Why You Need to Stop Being Too Nice At Work (and What to Do Instead)

When stepping into leadership for the first time, many new managers fall into a trap that feels right at the time, but can cause them big problems longer term - trying too hard to be liked, valued, and seen to be doing a good job. Your top priorities are to build trust, avoid conflict, and keep your people happy; understandable and good intentions, but they can often manifest in a dangerous way: being too nice.

Kindness is a great strength in leadership, but excessive compliance and being too nice are not. They can actually be completely counter-productive: they limit how effective you can be, your credibility, and your growth, not to mention your energy. As a coach, I see this all the time: managers struggling to find the right balance of teamworking (up, down and across), and assertiveness.

It’s possible to achieve it, and not at the expense of your reputation, wellbeing and career. So here’s why being too nice might be holding you back, and how to keep it in check while still achieving your goals. If any of this sounds familiar, you may be guilty of it too…

1. You Say Yes When You Shouldn’t

So many people new to a role will often fall into the trap of overcommitting. Saying yes to every request might seem like a way to show support or prove your worth, but it often just means burnout and inefficiency. You dilute your impact by trying to be everything to everyone.

What to do instead: set healthy boundaries. A polite “I’m at full capacity right now - can we revisit this later?” is not a rejection; it’s responsible time management. It teaches others to respect your time and models healthy and productive prioritisation for your team as well.

2. You Avoid Tough Conversations

Difficult conversations come with the territory in leadership, whether it's performance feedback, resetting expectations, or addressing team dynamics. Many new managers avoid them altogether, fearing conflict, rejection or difficult relationships going forward. But dodging these moments doesn’t spare your team - it confuses them.

What to do instead: combine directness with empathy. Feedback isn’t about confrontation; it’s about clarity. Practise saying what needs to be said, calmly and constructively. “I’ve noticed this issue; let’s talk about how we can work on it together,” is a great start for setting the scene, and the tone of the conversation that will follow.

3. You Blur the Line Between Leader and Peer

It’s natural to want to be liked by your team and your own manager, especially if you've been promoted internally. But if you're constantly trying to maintain harmony, you may unintentionally be prioritising friendship over leadership, which isn’t good for your team or for you.

What to do instead: Redefine your role. Leadership isn’t about popularity - it’s about purpose. You can still be approachable without compromising authority. Respect grows from consistency, fairness, and a willingness to make tough calls when needed – and that goes for managing up as well as down.

4. You Let Others Dictate Your Priorities

People-pleasing behaviour invites others to take advantage, whether they’re aware of it or not. You become the default person for every last-minute request, the problem-solver for mistakes you didn’t make, or the “safe pair of hands” to offload work onto. Over time, resentment brews – it’s bound to.

What to do instead: Be clear about your responsibilities. Offer to help when you can, but not at the expense of your own priorities. A simple boundary-setting phrase like, “I can support with this if we move deadline X” puts the ball back in their court.

5. You Risk Burnout - Fast

Being too nice often comes with a heavy emotional cost. Constantly accommodating others leaves little room for your own wellbeing. And as a leader, your energy sets the tone. A burnt-out manager can’t support a thriving team.

What to do instead: Make self-care a priority that’s non-negotiable. Take your breaks, honour your limits, and model healthy work habits to everyone around you. Leading by example in this way is not selfish; it’s smart, sustainable leadership and is important for setting expectations for everyone you work with.

The Bigger Picture: Kindness vs. Niceness

There’s an important distinction to make here: being kind isn’t the same as being nice.

• Niceness is about avoiding discomfort.
• Kindness is about doing what’s right, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Kind leaders are honest, even when it’s hard. They protect their time so they can focus on what matters. They don’t shy away from accountability. And because of that, they gain the trust and respect of their teams in a deeper, more enduring way.

If you’re stepping into leadership for the first time, remember this: your role is not to be liked by everyone. It’s to lead. That means making decisions, setting standards, holding people accountable, and supporting your team’s growth, even when it feels a little awkward.

Kindness, courage, and clarity are your best tools. Use them wisely, and you’ll build a team culture that values authenticity over keeping people happy, progress over perfection, and impact over image. That’s how to make a lasting, positive impression and build a solid, respected reputation as well. 

If you’d like more help with your own unique situation, I’m here to help. Contact me for a no-obligation discovery call: https://howtotalkatwork.com/pages/contact